Hi Y’all

Long time no talk!

Suffice to say..we’ve transitioned back into our “usual” worlds, by working a lot, chauffeuring Allie and Coop to their various activities and playing the role of cheerleader at all of the baseball and softball games this spring.  While the spring has been busy, not gonna lie, I’m looking forward to having some of our nights and weekends back to enjoy with our family and friends.  Hopefully we will get out on our boat sometime soon as its one of my favorite summertime activities! 😊

Getting back to reality has also allowed my body to continue to heal and get used to the reality of having these expanders in. Exapanders…sigh.. they are hard, they are uncomfortable and just plain hurt at the end of the day.  I’m getting used to the reality that I am numb and will most likely be numb from the top of my breasts to my rib cage for the rest of my life.  The best way to describe how this feels is its just like you had Novocaine in your gums…but injected across your chest.  It really is the strangest “feeling” but again..my new reality, which is ok all things considered!  What I’m learning though is that all of these nuances are all to be expected and a part of my new normal.  Again..in trying to look at the positive here, I’ll take it!

Mentally, I’m still working through this new reality and I gotta admit its hard.  Some days, I feel so strong and feel like I can take on the world. Other days, I question how brave I really am, especially when I can’t remember to do stupid things or just feel weak. I know the cancer is gone from my body (thank goodness, but boy oh boy…my thoughts are my own worst enemy some days.) Thank goodness for the people in my circle who listen, give the best hugs and who are just there!  When these days happen,  I try to remind myself that this is indeed a gift. Flipping the negative to a positive! This is a second chance to live life fully and to live with no regrets.  Its been tough and some moments with tears, but when I wipe those tears away, I keep in mind that each and every day is an opportunity to live and to grow.

Over the past couple of months, I’ve had a few more follow up appointments; all have gone well. Its reassuring when your care team tells you how good you look!!  I am so grateful to live where we do and to have such amazing care so close to home.  One of the many reasons I love where we live.  Ok, so here’s a quick recap of my appointments 😊

• Appt w/Dr. C: 
  • So if you remember, Dr C is my breast surgeon; my angel for getting rid of the cancer.  I just saw her yesterday and she is PLEASED with my results.  This woman is a top notch surgeon and breath of fresh air.  I love her choice of brightly colored suits and matching hair accessories to boot.  She walked into the exam-room wearing a fitted fuchsia suit with orchids in her hair. So stunning! She’s always so bright and sunny, which is exactly what this world needs more of.  Because I don’t need to be followed by oncology (due to not requiring Tamoxifen or Radiation), she will continue to follow me for the next 1-2 years.  So the next time I see her, it will be a year from when the cancer was removed from my body. Sort of a weird thing to think about but made me happy walking out of her office!
• Appts w/Dr Sadowski
  • Dr. Sadowski has been my go to as of late and is an outstanding Plastic Surgeon.  My most recent visits with her are bringing me closer to the end of this unexpected journey.  My next surgery has now been scheduled! Yes! July 18^th it will be!  This will be when these absurdly uncomfortable expanders are removed and when I get my forever implants!  Never thought I’d be so excited by saying these words!  Picking out implants is kinda like picking out all the bells & whistles when buying a car (strange but true).  There are so many different aspects to consider:
    • Silicone vs Saline: 
      • I have opted for silicone.  Reason being is this will give me the best cosmetic effect.  Saline has a tendency to ripple more, so I have learned.  Since I have less tissue due to the mastectomy, silicone implants will provide me with less “denting and rippling” of my skin.  Additionally to counteract this further, Dr. Sadowski will perform fat grafting, where she will remove fat from the ol’ muffin top, turn it into liquid and then inject it back into my breasts.  There is the potential the fat grafting might need to be done again as up to 40% of the fat is either reabsorbed back into the body or just dies off. 
    • Round vs Teardrop: 
      • This is the shape of the implant.  Think hamburger bun vs teardrop shape..lol.  Hamburger bun it is over here!
    • Smooth vs textured: 
      • There has been a fair amount of research related to textured implants as they have shown an increased risk in causing other types of cancer..so it’s a hard no on the textured implants.
    • Projection: 
      • This is the depth of the implant; essentially how far implant projects off your chest.  There are high profile, medium profile and low profile; who knew!  This gal is going for high-profile; purely a cosmetic decision on my part.

Needless to say, I feel like I have a PhD in breast implants.

So between now and July 18^th, I will probably shed a few tears seeing my girl Allie graduate from 4^th grade and see Cooper go off to overnight camp for the first time.  But I will also get to enjoy a much needed vacation with family.  All milestones and experiences I won’t take for granted!

Ta-ta for now! xo

Happy Spring! 

Spring is truly a time for rebirth and boy oh boy does that warm sunshine feel good.  

I’ve been back to work now for 3ish weeks and am back on the path of trying to finding that thing called balance. This was a struggle prior to surgery and continues to be, but am doing my best to navigate work-life, mom-life, wife-life, etc. I have to say though, it has been so WONDERFUL getting back into a regular schedule (minus the 5:30a alarm going off), seeing so many friendly and familiar faces and challenging myself in new and different ways. It has helped to get me back to a place of “normalcy” if there is such a thing.  With Spring now here, I’m looking forward to being outside more with baseball and softball seasons right around the corner and cheering on Allie and Coop!

I am in a bit of holding pattern with this journey.  My tissue expanders are now full, so now we wait.  We wait for the last bit of swelling to go down and then we can schedule the next surgery.  My plastic surgeon said I can expect the next  (and hopefully final) phase of this to be complete by mid summer (July).   This journey, while relatively short has given me a wild ride to say the least.  In the spirit of being more positive, one of those ups that occurred recently was while I was getting my hair done. This crazy head of hair requires me to stay pretty regular with haircuts and I typically go every 12 weeks. What was symbolic about this moment is that I received my cancer diagnosis on my way home from getting my haircut on 12/14/18.  This most recent haircut was a celebratory moment as it was exactly 12 weeks after my diagnosis, surgery and hearing the words “you are cancer free.” That moment gave me great pause and forced me to think long and hard of everything that has gone on in the past 12 weeks. So much has been turned upside down and then right back up.  But in that moment I also recognized how lucky I am, how grateful I am and how incredibly fortunate I am, as my story isn’t always the story that is told. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed the happiest of tears.  Trying to describe that moment is hard but it is indeed a moment that gives me chills and makes me well up just thinking of it.  But again..all HAPPY tears!!

There are so many things that I am learning from this journey. I am learning to slow down. To stop and watch more. To take time for me. To be more patient (when I am able). And, to jump to conclusions less. But, I am still coming to terms with this new body of mine and how to live life to its fullest while trying to hush the nagging voice inside me that says “what if it comes back.” I am trying to accept that I can’t control what might happen, but I will try my hardest to live my best life despite it and not live in fear of it. I’ve learned to never take my friends for granted. There are so many of you that I need to make a better effort of spending more time with. And I’ve gained this incredibly large community of family that I treasure more than I could have imagined. Without all your words of encouragement, texts to check in on me, meals, rides for Allie and Coop, phone calls, gifts, treats, cards, hugs… I could keep going and going. I’m trying desperately to make sure each and every one of you know how much I appreciate YOU for being there and keeping me strong these past few months.

Much love! 💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗

As of today, I’m 5 weeks post-op.  Hard to imagine how much has changed in just 5 weeks but all in all, I’m feeling pretty good.  Physically all of my scars are healing and look as one would expect.  I’ve also gone for another “fill” for my tissue expanders.  At the end of last week, each of my girls was filled up with 100 ccs of saline, bringing me to a total 400 ccs. The jump up in size is definitely more noticeable as I’m feeling the numbness more so now.  The numbness in my breasts is 100% expected as all of the nerve endings were severed during my double mastectomy.  There is a chance I may regain some feeling back.  I’ve been trying to visualize and tell myself that I will regain some of that sensation back each day.  Positive thinking = positive outcomes, right? I have started to regain some sensation in my left armpit, so my fingers are crossed more feeling will return over time.  I will have a few more appointments of filling up the tissue expanders and then the next step will be to have surgery again to put in my final implants.  I’m hoping this will happen by June but I will wait for the definitive word from my plastic surgeon.

So much of the healing process has been focused on the physical healing.  My doctors and visiting nurses have been so focused on making sure everything is working physically; that there is blood supply to my breasts, no signs of infection and making sure I’m in little to no pain. Lord knows I appreciate all they have done to make sure the recovery process has been as smooth as its been! Then there is this thing called emotional healing that has sorta crept up on me.  Having this time to heal has given me a lot of time to think about how I am really feeling and not just physically.  One emotion that took me by surprise was guilt.  It may be just a mindset thing, but I’ve been feeling guilty for having a recovery that has been relatively easy.  Since my diagnosis, I found a couple of Facebook groups for women with similar diagnoses and what I’m finding is that my situation is not the norm. These groups have been so helpful in so many ways but I’ve also struggled with being a part of these groups.  This is mostly due to hearing about how so many of these women have required multiple surgeries as they didn’t get clear margins, or have had infections that required hospitalization or pathology results that have shown invasive cancer.  All of this made me so sad (the harsh reality of cancer) but also left me with feeling so much guilt.  Guilt for having a somewhat easy recovery; guilt for having to turn away help; guilt for feeling good, guilt for having an employer that encouraged me to take the time off I need; guilt for having clear margins & pathology results, guilt for being cancer free.  If you had asked me 5 weeks earlier what emotions I might feel after having surgery…guilt was not one of them.  I would have expected grief or sadness but surprisingly I have not felt either of these post surgery. 

I know I need to change this mindset as I’ve always been more focused on everyone else but now I need to shift my focus to ME and being GRATEFUL for my results, grateful for my recovery, grateful for the love and support of Bryan, my family and friends. This combination of having an incredible care team, a caring, loving and positive support network and doing my best to take care of my body is what has helped me so much.  These are things I need to constantly remind myself of.  I also know that I need to take more time out of my day to be grateful and to state my intention for the day.  I bought myself the “5 Minute Journal” and the name is exactly all the time it takes each day to write down my thoughts at the beginning and end of the day.  5 minutes..thats it..I highly recommend taking a peek at this if you’re looking to make a small positive change to your day. They say it takes 21 days to start a habit..so far I’m 3 days in and I like this so far and am hopeful I will keep this going! 

This time also has me taking a hard look at my diet/lifestyle (either that or I have spent too much time watching health/healing documentaries on Netflix). I’ve definitely been re-evaluating my diet and researching different ways of eating (plant based diet vs low sugar diets) and researching functional medicine specialists all with a goal of finding ways to reduce my risk for reoccurrence and reducing any future risks for Bryan, Allie and Coop.

Next week is when I also return to work.  I’m looking forward to returning to some structure and routine in our days and also seeing my work friends. I have a lot that I’m excited to sink my teeth into starting next week.  I think Allie and Coop want me to go back to work too; Allie asked me just the other day..”how long have you been home for now?”…followed by “When do you go back to work?”   😉

The end of last week brought me closer to getting back to a more “normal” life. It started out on a high note with having those drains REMOVED.  Hallelujah!  Oh what a glorious moment that was.  Not gonna lie, those suckers HURT when they came out..but they are out.  24 hours later, I had my first real shower in almost 2 weeks.  Who knew I would become a pro at sponge bathes and washing my hair in the sink.  I’ll add that to the resume.  It was a bit weird as I was nervous and hesitant to get in the shower.  I kept thinking to myself..is this going to hurt?  How is the water going to feel?  It’s a weird thing to wrap your head around, especially when I’ve never once had these thoughts before about taking a shower.  But alas, once in there..it was wonderful and continues to feel wonderful!  A hot shower is something I won’t take for granted.  Something as simple as shower is so symbolic of how refreshing and re-energizing it can be for the body and mind!

Also last week, I had my first time with having my tissue expanders filled with saline.  Like all of these experiences, this too was unique to say the least.  During my mastectomy, my plastic surgeon placed a tissue expander in each breast.  These are to create a space for my permanent implants, which will hopefully be place in the next 3-6 months.  Over the next couple of months, I will see Dr Sadowski, who will gradually fill the tissue expanders with saline.  During my most recent visits, 50 ccs of saline were added to each breast…and voila!..instaboobs!  It’s a such weird experience.  I couldn’t watch her fill them as it weirded me out to be honest.

Dr. Sadowski has been quite pleased on how I am healing!  I too have been feeling a lot better and have been trying to get back to a bit more normalcy over the past few days by playing the role of chauffeur for Allie & Coop and playing a bit more of an active role in the house.  Its felt good to be out but I’m also working on doing a better job of listening to my body and taking a nap when I get tired or asking for help if I can’t do something.  Sounds so simple to do these things but as someone who is independent and always multi-tasking, doing things slowly and methodically is hard but is working for me and yielding pretty good results with my recovery thus far. As is getting outside…thank you mother nature for all the warmth and vitamin D today.   I’ve also been trying to drink more tea and reading more.  All little things I know, but all have felt really good to get back into and are feeding my soul.   Right now I’m reading “Where the Crawdads Sing” by Delia Owens and definitely recommend!

Its still so surreal to reflect on the past 2 months and can’t fully wrap my head around everything that has gone on. In this short period of time, I’ve gone from having a routine mammogram, to more tests, to my DCIS diagnosis, to surgery and now to recovery.  Its been a whirlwind. I’m still trying to catch my breath and trying to understand all that has happened, and what this next phase of life has in store for me from my learnings.  A lot more reflecting and healing is still to come but definitely getting and feeling stronger more and more every day! ❤

The recovery process has been going well, better than I expected.  There have been a few moments in the past week where I am completely amazed at how the body can heal and then humbled when my body reminds me to slow down and rest.    Being 12 days post-op is full of those reminders.  We had the opportunity to celebrate a friends birthday the other night which was so fun and it felt soo good to get out of the house.  I hadn’t realized how stir-crazy I was feeling, but boy did it feel good to see people and just get out of the house!  But then my body reminded me..”Girl! You Just had surgery..settle down and get some rest.”  My body was tired and sore that night. Lesson learned as I spent the next day resting and napping.

Every day though I am trying to complete a few basic tasks so that I can improve my range of motion in my arms and improve my energy/stamina.  I also am trying to add more protein to my diet as this also helps with the healing process. Thank goodness I like yogurt and eggs as this has been helping with getting more protein in my diet.

Last night I received some of the best news I’ve heard in a while

HOORAY!!  Good News Indeed! I needed that!

Today I got to speak to Dr. C and she went on to say that having a bilateral mastectomy (in hindsight) was the best decision we could’ve made for a couple of reasons.

According to the imaging and biopsy prior to surgery, the cancer cells were 3.5 cm.  During surgery though it was discovered the cells had actually spread to 5.5 cm.  She mentioned that if I had chosen the lumpectomy route, she wouldn’t have been able to get clear margins and would’ve recommended a mastectomy at that point! Bullet #1 dodged.

Additionally, she shared my right breast was filled with atypical cells; not cancerous but cells that would need to be watched overtime along with taking Tamoxifen (an Estrogen blocker) to slow the growth of these cells.  As someone who has struggled over the years with the hormones in birth control pills, she stated this would have most likely caused my a lot of side effects as the dosage of the estrogen blocker is typically higher than what is normally found in birth control pills. Bullet #2 dodged!

I’ve always believed in following your gut instinct but this was 100% validated today.  As soon as I received this diagnosis, something inside me told me..Mastectomy so I followed that .  Then it was a matter of deciding if a single or bilateral makes the most sense.  For me, taking care of both breasts just felt like the right thing to do; may as well do it all in full swoop if I can!  As I ended this phone call, I broke out into happy tears.  Now I can really focus more on healing and recovery knowing that this huge weight has been lifted and feel good about what lies ahead for the future.  What I’ve been learning is everyone’s breast cancer journey is very different and what feels right for one may not be the right choice for someone else.  Follow that gut instinct friends and listen to your body.  You might be surprised what you might learn/hear.

Oh..and please say a little prayer for me..I have 2 drains left.  I’m keeping my fingers crossed that they will both be removed tomorrow when I meet w/Dr. C & Dr. Sadowski.

Post Op — Well, here I am 6 days post op and am feeling better than I expected but also the time has given me some space to reflect on all that has gone on in the past few days.

1/17 – Surgery Day

Bryan and I arrived at the hospital at 6:30am and we were both quiet, scared and nervous. Neither of us have had any sort of major surgery before (thank goodness) and just had no idea what to expect.  I was called in and commence my scared tears.  I was so scared but also knew I was in good hands with Dr C & Dr. Sadowski.  I also felt so much guilt; so much guilt cause this was Allie’s birthday.  I want January 17th to always be remembered as Allie’s birthday; not the day I had surgery. 

By the time 7:30am arrived, it was my time..my time to be wheeled to the next part of this journey, which is a complete unknown.  Bryan and I hugged tight, wiped away each other’s tears and told each other we’d see you on the other side. From this point, all I remember is being wheeled to the operating room.  Fast forward to 1:57pm, when I remember opening my eyes in the recovery room and completely shocked at how much time had passed.  I felt tired and thirsty, but surprisingly ok.  The nurses in recovery were so wonderful in keeping me company as my room wasn’t quite ready, and wouldn’t be ready for the next couple of hours.  4pm is when I arrived to my room and got to see Bryan’s smiling face.  The next 24 hours is a bit of blur, but seeing the kids, Bryan, Pete & Sharon, Stephanie, my mom & sister felt good and gave me a sense of normalcy.  Steph, you won the prize though of seeing me at my best and getting to hold my hair back while looking and feeling a bit green. 

In the days that have followed since January 17th, I have been in complete awe and overwhelmed by the strength, love and support from my family, my mom tribe, my Upton community, my work community and friends near and far.  Our family has been showered by an abundance of love, flowers and food! This has helped to make the recovery process so much smoother and a lot easier.  As someone who cannot sit still, this has forced me to accept help and focus on healing.  This is hard. Real hard. It doesn’t seem like this would be…but trust me, it is. To keep me sitting on my butt,  I’ve just started watching Game of Thrones again in prep for the season premiere in April!

Pain Management

Another thing I’ve learned about myself…I’m a lightweight and my body does NOT tolerate pain meds well.  I suppose this isn’t a bad thing but me and extra strength Tylenol have become BFFs this week.  For the most part this has worked well for me, but by the end of the day my body is sore and tired.  This is to be expected I suppose but remember..im not so good at being a patient who likes to rest, so I’m trying to get better at taking a bit more pain meds at bed time and so far, this is working.

The dreaded drains…

For most of you reading this, you may not be familiar with the drains..During my surgery, I had 4 drains placed (2 on each side).  The purpose of these are to remove excess fluid from each breast, to prevent infection.  While they are not difficult to deal with..they are a complete pain in the butt as they are uncomfortable, require special care and clothing to wear (think sweatshirts/sweaters with inside pockets)  These lovely things also prevent me from taking a long warm shower.  I am SO ready for these to go.  They have served their purpose and am keeping my fingers crossed they will all be removed later this week.  Typically, the drains stay in anywhere from 7-14 days.  I’m hoping that 8 days will be the magic number! Keep your fingers crossed for me! Between now and then sponge baths and dry shampoo are gold!

Things I’m looking forward to this week..a real shower!  I’m crossing my fingers and toes on this one, cause I would LOVE an actual shower and getting my hair washed.  It’s the little things in life I suppose!  Also looking forward to seeing my plastic surgeon, Dr. Sadowski just to see how I am progressing.

My actual diagnosis is Stage 0 DCIS (ductal carcinoma insitu).  You might be wondering what that actually means..  It means the cancer cells are isolated to one of the milk ducts in my left breast.  This is a good thing, when it comes to cancer diagnosis as I’ve been reassured over and over again.  What followed after receiving this diagnosis is a flurry of doctors appointments to validate the diagnosis from the biopsy.  These consisted of an MRI and genetic testing to confirm if I was positive for the BRAC genes (or any other cancer genes).  These additional diagnostic tests and the results of them play a huge role in determining my treatment plan.  The MRI validates the original diagnosis and that it is not invasive; ie outside the milk duct and genetic testing looks into any other risk factors in my family history.

Then there is this pesky little thing called Estrogen.  Who knew Estrogen played a role in cancer cell growth.  My biopsy results initially said that Estrogen didn’t play as a big of a role as maybe one might want.  Reason being is there are great proactive treatment options, like taking an Estrogen Blocker which help to prevent future growth.  But for me, 5% positive for estrogen essentially means a negative.

Then there is my amazing care team, Dr. C and Dr.Sadowski..two women I might add. Can I get an amen?! Both of these women are phenomenal and I am so happy they came into my life.  Dr. C is responsible for removing the cancer cells and Dr. Sadowski puts me back together. Both were so thorough in going through everything; the cancer itself,all of the treatment options and answering all of our questions; so that we could make major decision on my treatment in a very short period of time.  I had to make a decision on one of these 3 options:

1. Lumpectomy: this is just removing the cells (which is 3.5 centimeters) and reconstructive surgery.  Additionally, this would require radiation and taking one of those Estrogen blockers for the next 5 years.  Not gonna lie, I didn’t love this option but I would let it sink in.
2. Single Mastectomy & Reconstructive surgery – This would be removing the entire left breast and complete reconstructive surgery.  Radiation and Estrogen blockers; not a requirement here.  This sounds a bit more up my alley but does require more recovery
3. Double Mastectomy & Reconstructive surgery – This is removing both breasts and reconstructive surgery on both sides.  Radiation & Estrogen blockers are also not a requirement here.  This is an incredibly aggressive surgery but would certainly help to lower any future reoccurrences to breasts.

While trying to make my way through doctors appointments and all of these decisions was something called Christmas.  Allie and Coop still fiercely believe in Santa and Elfy so Bryan and I were trying to make this as magical as it could possibly be.  Not gonna lie..this was hard.  I wasn’t in the spirit whatsoever.  Christmas shopping, moving the dang elf every night..were incredibly challenging as my head wasn’t in the game..at all.  We made it through (with a lot of help and a lot of love).  Gratitude post coming later

My Decision..

Right out of the gate, a lumpectomy is off the table for me. I’m too much of a hypochondriac and would have a lot of anxiety with the lumpectomy and yearly mammograms. I also am not fan of taking medications..ask Bryan how good I am at taking vitamins.  And radiation just seems so very toxic to me.  This option would also require reconstructive surgery on the left side so that I might have some symmetry when all is said and done.  I never thought something like this would matter but in the end it did when faced with losing a part of you are; a part of your identity.

I ultimately made the decision to have a bi-lateral mastectomy + reconstructive surgery.  For me this removes all but a 1% risk of reoccurrence which feels like the best option.  I’m only 43 and still have so much life to live!  If I can get rid of any risk I can..I will.  And hey..while I’m at it, I can get a new set of girls for myself.  Kidding aside, this was a decision Bryan and I talked long and hard about.  Ultimately it was up to me and in a matter of week, the decision was made.  Crazy to think that such a life changing decision must be made in such a short period of time.  It took us longer to decide on buying our house and buying our cars.  I guess this puts everything in perspective that when it comes down to it and your life is on the line, you have to get educated and weigh your options at a fast pace. 

This decision will come to fruition on 1/17/19.

12/14/18…a date that will forever be stuck in my head. This is the day I received that awkward phone call from my GYN . Those words..”we received the results of your biopsy, and you have Stage 0 Breast Cancer.”…Gulp.

I’m not sure I heard anything else after I heard those words. Immediate tears began which was challenging as I was in the car, fighting Milford traffic and trying to process those words. I was sobbing. I could tell my dr. didn’t feel comfortable sharing this news but she did her best to be comforting and supportive.

This is when I started to see my life now flash before my eyes as this wasn’t the kind of thing that was supposed to happen to me. I mean I’m only 43 and heck just ran a 1/2 marathon in October! I have zero family history of breast cancer, so this isn’t supposed to happen! I was sad, angry, confused. Why oh why was this happening?!!

When I got home, I remember walking in the door feeling numb and seeing Bryan sitting in the office. I sat down and my heart sank thinking about how to share this. But I had to say those words..”the results of the biopsy didn’t come back how we expected.” Bryan was as shocked as I but held me tight and wiped away my tears. He was so reassuring, calm and supportive in that moment. It’s a moment I won’t forget as it was a testament to our love, the vows we shared and to his warm, strong heart. He knew exactly I needed.

This day became a day I soon won’t forget and begins this journey.

Thanks for joining me and experiencing this journey with me.

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton