Guilt?

As of today, I’m 5 weeks post-op.  Hard to imagine how much has changed in just 5 weeks but all in all, I’m feeling pretty good.  Physically all of my scars are healing and look as one would expect.  I’ve also gone for another “fill” for my tissue expanders.  At the end of last week, each of my girls was filled up with 100 ccs of saline, bringing me to a total 400 ccs. The jump up in size is definitely more noticeable as I’m feeling the numbness more so now.  The numbness in my breasts is 100% expected as all of the nerve endings were severed during my double mastectomy.  There is a chance I may regain some feeling back.  I’ve been trying to visualize and tell myself that I will regain some of that sensation back each day.  Positive thinking = positive outcomes, right? I have started to regain some sensation in my left armpit, so my fingers are crossed more feeling will return over time.  I will have a few more appointments of filling up the tissue expanders and then the next step will be to have surgery again to put in my final implants.  I’m hoping this will happen by June but I will wait for the definitive word from my plastic surgeon.

So much of the healing process has been focused on the physical healing.  My doctors and visiting nurses have been so focused on making sure everything is working physically; that there is blood supply to my breasts, no signs of infection and making sure I’m in little to no pain. Lord knows I appreciate all they have done to make sure the recovery process has been as smooth as its been! Then there is this thing called emotional healing that has sorta crept up on me.  Having this time to heal has given me a lot of time to think about how I am really feeling and not just physically.  One emotion that took me by surprise was guilt.  It may be just a mindset thing, but I’ve been feeling guilty for having a recovery that has been relatively easy.  Since my diagnosis, I found a couple of Facebook groups for women with similar diagnoses and what I’m finding is that my situation is not the norm. These groups have been so helpful in so many ways but I’ve also struggled with being a part of these groups.  This is mostly due to hearing about how so many of these women have required multiple surgeries as they didn’t get clear margins, or have had infections that required hospitalization or pathology results that have shown invasive cancer.  All of this made me so sad (the harsh reality of cancer) but also left me with feeling so much guilt.  Guilt for having a somewhat easy recovery; guilt for having to turn away help; guilt for feeling good, guilt for having an employer that encouraged me to take the time off I need; guilt for having clear margins & pathology results, guilt for being cancer free.  If you had asked me 5 weeks earlier what emotions I might feel after having surgery…guilt was not one of them.  I would have expected grief or sadness but surprisingly I have not felt either of these post surgery. 

I know I need to change this mindset as I’ve always been more focused on everyone else but now I need to shift my focus to ME and being GRATEFUL for my results, grateful for my recovery, grateful for the love and support of Bryan, my family and friends. This combination of having an incredible care team, a caring, loving and positive support network and doing my best to take care of my body is what has helped me so much.  These are things I need to constantly remind myself of.  I also know that I need to take more time out of my day to be grateful and to state my intention for the day.  I bought myself the “5 Minute Journal” and the name is exactly all the time it takes each day to write down my thoughts at the beginning and end of the day.  5 minutes..thats it..I highly recommend taking a peek at this if you’re looking to make a small positive change to your day. They say it takes 21 days to start a habit..so far I’m 3 days in and I like this so far and am hopeful I will keep this going! 

This time also has me taking a hard look at my diet/lifestyle (either that or I have spent too much time watching health/healing documentaries on Netflix). I’ve definitely been re-evaluating my diet and researching different ways of eating (plant based diet vs low sugar diets) and researching functional medicine specialists all with a goal of finding ways to reduce my risk for reoccurrence and reducing any future risks for Bryan, Allie and Coop.

Next week is when I also return to work.  I’m looking forward to returning to some structure and routine in our days and also seeing my work friends. I have a lot that I’m excited to sink my teeth into starting next week.  I think Allie and Coop want me to go back to work too; Allie asked me just the other day..”how long have you been home for now?”…followed by “When do you go back to work?”   😉